I was reading Alysha's Thankful on a Thursday post "Fast Forward the Moments" and I was struck with the emotion of it, and how it made me stop and think about how many times that I've done that very thing: wish away the present in anticipation of the future.
You see, I'm going through those same emotions right now. We go to the store, I see babies. We go to a restaurant, I see babies. We go to the park, I see babies. Everywhere I see, hear, even smell babies. But not just any babies, little babies. Before Caleb (whew- was there such a time?), I thought that babies were just babies. Who cares if they're 5 weeks or 5 months? There's no difference.
Well, actually, there is a difference. A big one.
Caleb is only 3 months old and I already miss my little snuggle bunny. My little one that had such tiny fingers and toes, who would sleep, eat, and snuggle. And poo, but we won't ruin the moment by talking about *that*. He was so little and needed us every moment of every day. I loved being needed like that.
Now, he's a "big boy"--- He's more than happy to just sit there and watch the cat, play with his hands, or stare at the rows of brightly colored books in the bookcase.
The thing that really is getting me though is that I am not there! Instead, I'm here at work, away from my precious, adorable, wonderful little boy. It all works, because at least he's with his Daddy and they're creating this fantastic bond.... but I can't help but feel left out at times. I call during lunch time and Micah has all these stories about the cute thing he did, how he is learning to roll over and scoot, and I'm not there to see it. Micah's good about taking pictures and videos, so I can share in the memories at least a little, but it's not the same, you know? I want to BE there.
I want to be a stay-at-home-mom.
And I will be, someday. When Micah finishes school and gets established at a Fire Department, then I will be at home.
But that seems so far away. My boy is growing up NOW. I won't get these times back. Even as I wish that the next year would hurry up and past so I can stay at home, when I hold him in my arms each night, I want the moment to last forever. I don't want the morning to come. I want to just sit there, hold him, love him...
Now I realize that all this crying and lamenting is really the opposite of "Thankful on a Thursday", instead it's more like "Whining on a Thursday", but in spite of this conflicting emotions, I do have much to be thankful for.
You see, here at work, we have two types of computer systems: the Tunista computers that are owned by our company, and the Gov computers that are owned by, you guessed it, the Government. The thing is, each has it's own level of security. Ironically enough, we're banned from Facebook and Twitter on the Tunista computers but are allowed on the Government computers. Ha!
The real difference comes to the fact that when on the Gov computers, you can't do a lot of basic stuff, including change your background. It has the Air Force logo, and that's what you're stuck with.
Well, out of all the computers on all the desks, I have one of only two Tunista computers. And guess what we can do--- that's right--- change our background! That means that every time I pull up my computer screen, I see this adorable face:
That makes me happy. I am thankful to have the ability to change my background, just so I can look into his big blue eyes and not miss him quite so much. That alone helps make the day bearable. Something so simple, means so much. Out of all the jobs I could have gotten here on base, God led me to the one that would meet the desire of my heart. He knows. He understands. He cares.
I'm thankful... on a Thursday. And every day.
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