March 2nd, 2010

Cherishing and Reflecting

As the days grow longer and D-day approaches, I can't help but sit back and reflect over the thoughts and feelings that I've experienced these nine months.

More has changed than simply my expanding waistline, instead I've seen such growth in my marriage, my family life, my friendships, and my relationship with God. But why? What has brought about such a deepness in these areas?

I think that it all comes down to this: the realization that I am going to be an example. And what's more, I will be raising this little boy or girl, teaching everything from how to hold a spoon or blow a bubble to John 3:16 and how Jesus, too, came as a little baby. In just a few weeks I will be a mother.

That is a scary thought.

I mean, am I ready to be a mother? Am I ready to be responsible for another human being that depends on me for everything, especially for these first months. There isn't a choice in the matter. I can't one day decide, "Oh, I want to stay in bed all day" or "I think I'll go out of town for the weekend" or "I think I'll blow this paycheck on a new living room set." Instead, there will be a tiny baby to feed and change and diapers to buy.

Yes, Micah will be here, continuing to be the pillar of strength and support he has been this entire time, but he can only help so much. There are certain needs that only a mother can provide. And its that realization of responsibility that has proven to be so daunting and overwhelming.

My relationship with God has become my number 1 priority, even more so than before. For now there is the sense of urgency almost. My life will be the example and light to this child, the guide by which he is trained "in the way he should go." I don't want there to be anything that could jeopardize that training, that spiritual growth. I want my life to be a light in every way possible. But, the thing is.. I didn't just arbitrarily decide one day, "Oh today I'll become a better Christian." Instead, I simply said, "Lord, I want to be closer to You... help me to be closer to You."

And you know something? God answers the prayers of His children.

These months haven't been without their share of difficulties, but each new obstacle only served to show a new way to trust God, a new level of dependence and new opportunity to exercise my faith. And that faith has been tested. I've cried more tears than I can count, yes, some were due to hormones, but that doesn't discount the pain or hurt behind them. But then God wiped away all tears, just like He promised. He showed me mercy, forgiveness, trust, faith, honor, respect, love... and how the deeper you go in Him, the more He shows forth in your life.