November 4th, 2006

SO lonely.. not just lonely.. SO lonely!

Yep, you heard me. I'm missing people right now. All my girl-friends are gone to ladies retreat. Lae is working. Micah is unreachable. I've already spent more time in the last week with my brothers than I have in the last month. Scary. So who's left? Not many people. And those that are "free".. haven't been especially talkative lately, so I don't want to push things. Thus the reason for me being in my room, alone, on a Saturday night. It's not just that it's Saturday.. it's that I've had this entire week off, and have done NOTHING out of the ordinary. The most extra-ordinary thing that I did was take Brandon out to eat and shopping on Friday. I'm just lonely. I want to go hang out at someone's house.. and.. don't get me wrong, I love the people here in TN.. but right now.. I need Lae. I need Micah. I need Grace. I need all my best friends that I never get to see. A phone call a few times a week just doesn't cut it. And it's all because of distance. Lae and I live less than 4 hours apart. But sometimes... 4 hours might as well be 4000 miles. That's what it feels like. Cars, family, obligations, church, money, school, work... all these things keep her and I from actually crossing that state line. I hate it. I hate not being able to see those closest to me. Yes, I am thankful for the time that I have with my family and I know that I will miss them when I move away. But... family isn't just blood. Lae's my sister and I never see her. I have family across the United States, and I never see them. Some, I never talk to.

Maybe we're just busy. Maybe we're growing up. Maybe we just don't have anything in common anymore. But I can't help but feel as though I am losing some of my friends. An email once a month, when we think of each other. Or a card at Christmas or on birthdays. If we're a little lucky, then maybe a phone call every once in a while. Are we growing apart? Are we growing out of each other? Is our friendship a thing of past? Are we still friends, or just.. people who know each other? I know some people only come in your life for a short period of time before they leave... but whatever happened to forever friends?

Call me emotional.. call me a woman... but I can't help but shed tears tonight for all the people who have come into my life, and have walked out my life. People who were best friends... but are now strangers. And if by some miracle, they do come back into my life.... I regret the time lost. Months, even years lost. A whole season of their life that I wasn't a part of. I look at pictures of happier times. See us laughing, and even a few where we were crying, and remember all the nights spent talking until 4 am. I remember the secrets shared. The promises made. And now broken. A close as friends could ever be, just wasn't close enough. A tear rolls down my face as I type, because I don't think I will ever have that friend back.  The wounds of the past are finally healing, but I don't know if it is enough. Another was found to fill my place and there is no room left in the heart for me. Friends, yes, but never best friends. Not now. Not again.

  • Current Music
    Lay It Down- Jaci V

Lay It Down- by Jaci V

I’ve been looking ‘til my eyes are tired of looking
Listening ‘til my ears are numb from listening
Praying ‘til my knees are sore from kneeling
On the bedroom floor

I know that You know that my heart is aching
I’m running out of tears and my will is breaking
I don’t think that I can carry
The burden of it anymore

All of my hopes and my dreams and my best laid plans
Are slowly slipping through my folded hands

So I’m gonna lay it down
I’m gonna learn to trust You now
What else can I do
Everything I am depends on You
And if the sun don’t come back up
I know Your love will be enough
I’m gonna let it be, I’m gonna let it go
I’m gonna lay it down

I’ve been walking through this world like I’m barely living
Buried in the doubt of this hole I’ve been digging
But You’re pulling me out and I’m finally breathing
In the open air

This room may be dark but I’m finally seeing
There’s a new ray of hope and now I’m believing
That the past is the past and the future’s beginning to look brighter now

'Cause all of my hopes and my dreams and my best laid plans
Are safe and secure when I place them in Your hands
  • Current Music
    Lay It Down- Jaci V