September 8th, 2006

i should be smiling.. so why do i feel like crying?

I got the job at Sears. On my first try. It was the first time that I had gone in for an interview anywhere, or even had actually tried to get the job or done anything pass filling out an application online.

So why then am I disappointed?

Perhaps it has something to do with the paycheck? Entry level positions only get you $6.20 an hour. What a joke. That is what I was making when I left Burger King. And this is part time, so les than 25 hours a week. Which means only $500 a month.

My bills are $500 a month.

Bye bye luxuries. Bye bye shopping. Bye bye eating out. Bye bye the days of not having to worry about my finances.

Hello to the world of being a penniless college student.

Can I go back to being 6 yet?

I feel so ungrateful. I prayed that I would get this job, any job, and now that I have it, all I can do is complain? Somebody knock some sense into this head of mine. It's just... for me... scraping by will never do. I want to come out on top. I will not deal with failure. And right now, I feel like one. I don't know why, but I just do.


I'll get raises as time goes by. And as Mom and Dad told me, I'm not signing anything in blood. I don't have to stay there if I don't want to. I can move on if I find something better. But it's always hard for me to walk away from a job, no matter how much I might hate it. That's how I managed to stay working at Burger King for a year and a 1/2, and why I was at Menlo a year. I don't walk away from things. I don't abandon my duty.

I think too much.

Go to Sears on Tuesday. Fill out the paper. Get the job. Start working. Bring home the measly paycheck. Pay bills. Keep on looking for a better job. Graduate from college and get a better job.

Fulfill my dreams and touch the stars.

friday night creeps and empty wishes

We are watching silence of the lambs right now. I've always heard that this is a scary movie. Brrr. Not what you really want to watch on a dark, cold Friday night.

I talked to Alaena a little while ago and she helped calm me down a little bit. According to her, I should work there but keep on looking for another job. I agree.

Brrr.. this bad guy in the movie is giving me the creeps. I am not going to be able to sleep tonight.

I don't think that I will be sleeping anyway.

Tonight, I need to get my mind off my present circumstances. Therefore, I plan to stay up and work on my SS lesson for Sunday and, if I have time, I would like to work on my scrapbook. I now have the pictures I need for the latter part of the scrapbook.

This guy is still giving me the creeps.

I wish I could turn off my brain. I wish I could close my eyes and make things disappear. I wish I could just listen to the beating of my own heart and drown out the voices around me. I wish I could find a quiet place out west somewhere and just lay out in a grassy field underneath the stars and just breath.

But if I wish my life away, can that really be called a life? Is that really living? Or just surviving?

I want to LIVE the LIFE!


in matters of the heart..

Micah called and that helped. Somehow, he always manages to make me smile, no matter what is happening. Crazy as it sounds, he can even make me smile after he already made me cry.

I miss him. He is my rock, my support. I am so thankful that God has placed him in my life. First, as a friend, then as a brother, and now, as so much more. God was smiling down on us the day we met. I don't know what I would do without him.. go crazy, I guess.

He makes me smile.

time has a mind of its own

Why is when you want time to speed up, it drags by.. but when you want time to slow down, it flies by?

right now. i'm not sure which i want. i'm tired, but i can't sleep. there are things i need to get done, but i can't seem to concentrate on them. i am lonely but i don't want to bug anyone, and the ones that i don't care if i bug or not aren't avaliable or the genius forgot to charge their phone so their battery is dead.

i'm bored
i'm lonely
i'm confused
i'm distracted

and to add to all that, my computer needs to be thrown out the wedding or smashed with a hammer!

i need to go work out tomorrow, for a good 2-4 hours, to relieve some of this stress. it doesn't help that i haven't been able to work out in 3 weeks and i feel like a fat blob. now, i know some of you are jumping up rigth now and protesting, but remember.. i said that is how i FEEl.. not what i actually am. i just feel like a blob. but i always do when i go this long between workouts. oh, and spreaking of such, i need to ask at the Y about part-time positions, and also about getting the student discount now that i am enrolled at motlow.

i don't know why, but even though i am essatic that i have a job.. it's not really the job i wanted.. and defintely not the pay i wanted.. i'm not happy.. but i have to go to that place on tuesday and pretend that i am. i just hope i don't spend the next four months pretending.